Have You Ever WONDERED . . . ?
1. Before they invented drawing
boards, what did they go back to?
2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
7. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
8. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to follow
suit?
9. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
10. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
it?
11. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
12. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
13. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
14. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
15. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
16. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Acknowledgements
to Sara's Funnies Page
http://www.freespeech.org/sparklez/funnies/
A man came walking up to the
house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking
chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out
here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
"This is your grandma's idea."
AND IN THE BEGINNING
. . .
Where
could you buy a prehistoric elephant?
-
At a mammoth sale.
What
enormous creature flies into candles on summer nights?
-
A behemoth.
Which
dinosaur ran a cattle ranch in the Wild West?
-
Tyrannosaurus
Tex.
Which
dinosaur had to sleep in a soundproof room?
-
The brontosnaurus.
What
did dinosaurs eat for dinner?
-
Jurassic pork.
How
do dinosaurs pass exams?
-
With extinction.
At
what time of day was Adam born?
-
Just before Eve...ning.
Why
was Adam the fastest runner in history?
-
He was the first in the human race.
What
did Adam say to Eve that read the same backwards as forwards?
-
Madam, I'm Adam.
- Southport Elim Pentecostal
Church's magazine
THE
STATE OF THE UNION
Some
actual standing laws in different states of the U.S.A.
ALABAMA
It
is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
CALIFORNIA
Community
leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and
stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
CONNECTICUT
1.
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2.
You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
FLORIDA
1.
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon
owner.
2.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she
shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to
be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
ILLINOIS
It
is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated
animal kept as pets.
The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word - ever.
One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said,
"Soup's cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long
to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't
you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."
Q: What
do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: The
balls are just for decoration!
Charly
was on to the phone company, or rather, as these days turns out to be the
case, the phone company's robot . .
"If
you want to speak to our sales department, please press 4, now . . .
"If
you want to return goods or complain about our standard of service, please
press (mumble,mumble), now . . .
"If
you have an inferiority complex, please press any button you like - nobody
can be bothered to talk to you anyway . . .
"If
you are paranoid, please stay connected while we trace your call . . .
"If
you suffer from delusions, please press 7 now and I'll transfer your call
to the mothership . . .
"If
you suffer from multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4 and 5
alternately until we insert a voice in your head telling you to stop .
. .
"If
you are numerically dyslexic, please press 3894657354659864512 in that
order 3 times and we will transfer you to an agent who will be happy to
deal with your inquiry . . .
"If
you are superstitious, please press 13 and leave the room in a hurry .
. .
"If
you suffer from short-term memory loss, please press 8, now . . . If you
suffer from short-term memory loss, please press 8, now . . . If you suffer
from short-term memory loss, please press 8, now . . . If you suffer from
short-term memory loss, please press 8, now . . . "
When the bus arrived at its stop,
the gorgeous woman at the head of the line tried to climb aboard but couldn't
because of her tight-fitting clothes. Thinking quickly, she reached back
and undid her zipper a little to allow more movement. Still, her outfit
was too snug, so she lowered her zipper again. Unable to climb aboard,
she adjusted it a third time, but again it wasn't enough to allow her to
step up.
Tired of waiting, the man behind her gently
grabbed her around the waist and hoisted her onto the bus.
"Who do you think you are to touch me in
that way?" the woman asked him angrily.
"Well, ma'am," the man replied,"after you undid
my fly, I thought we were pretty good friends." |
The Birds and the
Bees ...
A father asked
his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10 if he knew about the birds and the
bees. "I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked Little Johnny
what was wrong.
"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed, "At age
6 I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age 7 I got the 'there's no Easter
bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy'
speech!
"If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups
don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"
Little Old Lady to
Judge ...
"Your honour, I
am 86 years old. So here I am, sitting there on porch on a warm spring
evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside
me.
"He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels
good, Your Honour. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts,
Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So I
just spread my old legs and say to him, Take me, young man. Take me!
"That's when he yelled April Fool!
and that's when I shot the Son of a Bitch ..."
A young
couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked
whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted
for the contemporary.
On the big day,
a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church.
The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers
dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the
sanctuary and up to the alter, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your
pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the
groom responded,"I think I would prefer the traditional service."
HOW ...
?
? How do you know if your husband is Manx?
! Check out the size of his third leg.
-------------------
? How do you know he's a MacDonald?
! Because he has a couple of greasy 1/4 pounders.
-------------------
A: I think my mother in law's Welsh!
B: How do you know?
A: Because she has death breath, scales, and men in uniform are
always trying to slay her.
-------------------
A: Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm allergic to water.
Dr: Take two of these tablets with a glass of water every four hours.
-------------------
A: I think my neighbour's Manx.
B: Why?
A: Because none of the cats in the neighbourhood have tails anymore.
-------------------
Druids: The only people who wear their bedding to work.
-------------------
Q: What do you get if you cross a warthog, a racoon and a pinto?
A: I don't know what do you get if you cross a warthog, a racoon
and a pinto?
Q: I don't know either- that's why I'm asking you.
BIG-GAME HUNTER
The big-game hunter
walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But
then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and
he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet
hole. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated
argument started.
The hunter said that he was willing to
prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded
him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments,
he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared,
"And it was shot with a .22 rifle."
He was right! The others could not believe
it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested
that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for
another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time,
and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his
car.
He took a bit longer this time and then
said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle
was a .308."
He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he
had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round
of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went
to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the
mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen,
I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t
get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"
His wife replied angrily, "From me!"
"What did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put
your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced,
‘Skunk, killed with an axe!’ "
|
