Be it Known by these Presents  and in the light of your failure to govern yourselves properly we do hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective 1st January. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial rights over all states, commonwealths and other territories howsoever called (except Utah) and 'Congress' and 'Senate' are hereby disbanded. The territories will be annexed to Canada and administered as a protectorate on Her Majesty's behalf by the Government of Canada. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed any difference. In the meantime, in order to aid your orderly re-admission to the the British Commonwealth of Nations, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. There is no such thing as 'U.S. English', only 'English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf and the Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. The letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'u' is just sheer laziness. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with foul language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use foul language at all.

2. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, Dick Van Dyke Cockney, upper-class twit, Scouse (the Beatles) or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand other British accents - Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

3. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as the good guys and will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sitcoms such as 'Men Behaving Badly' or 'Red Dwarf' will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. American 'actors' will no longer use mumbling drawls and henceforth will speak clearly and properly. Oh, and you will not demean Hugh Laurie by requiring him to pretend to be American in the drama 'House'.

4. You should stop playing 'American Football'. It is not. There is only one kind of football. Those of you who are aware that there is a real world outside of your borders may have noticed that no one else plays 'American Football'. You will no longer be allowed to play it and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to 'American Football' but which does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a U.S. rugby sevens side by 2008.

5. You should stop playing 'World Series' baseball. It is illogical to host an event called the 'World' Series for a game which is only played outside of America by American refugees. But since only 2.15% of you realise that there is a world out there then your error is perhaps understandable. Instead of baseball, you may play an old children's game called 'rounders' - which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect and at the same time you will go metric and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will soon help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. You will learn to make real 'chips'. Those things you call 'French fries' - or 'millenium fries' as some of you petulantly call them - are not chips at all. (In fact they aren't even French, they are Belgian.) Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat and waitresses will be trained to become more aggressive with customers. By the way, those things you insist on calling 'potato chips' are properly called 'crisps'. (Now, who was it who said that Americans never use one word when two will suffice?)

8. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all - it is lager. From January 1st only proper British bitter will be referred to as 'beer' whilst European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'lager'. The substances formerly known as 'American Beer' will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine', with the exception of that product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine'. This will allow genuine Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1,000 years in Pilsen in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

9. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, therapists, or 'lifestyle coaches'. The fact that you need so many of these people only goes to show that you're not grown-up enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults so if you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then clearly you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

10. The I.R.S. is abolished and Tax Collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Please be patient as there is bound to be an enormous backlog. Thank you for your cooperation.